Friday, August 8, 2008



8:32 The Voice is walking to her desk and she sneezes loudly. I think
something came out because she appeared startled and then started at
her yellow legal pad she was carrying. Ewww.

8:39 I'm the only one in the newsroom, and The Voice tells me that it
looks like I'll be carrying the load for the newspaper today. Actually,
it usually feels like that even when everyone else is here.

8:47 Prof. Snape just arrived. This is already turning into a bad day.

10:33 Wow, the ad rats must have coordinated this week to have
"Unnecessarily Gaudy Shirt Friday." Is Neon Salmon ever an appropriate
color? How about Impossibly Bright Fuscia?

1:19 Flight of the Conchords isn't just good. It's life-changing.
Seriously. We need to start the paper's band. I can't sing, but – to quote
Sublime – I can play the guitar like a motherfuckin' riot.
Unfortunately, I don't have a dalmatian, and I don't get high. Nor does
my mom, who does not go to college.

1:22 Inner. Inner city. Inner. City. Pressure. Brown paper, white
paper. Stick it together with tape, the tape of love... the sticky

1:23 Slim laments that abstinence is overrated. For once, I
wholeheartedly agree with him. Wait 'til marriage? Yeah, I couldn't
pull that off even when I used to think that was a good idea.

1:29 If I call the STD hotline, I can press 1 for English or 2 for
Spanish. What number do I press for Spanglish? If it hurts when I pee,
I want my advice to make me laugh. You know, just to offset the burning

1:39 I'm trying to think of what would make me happier that beating the
hell out of The Tool... It's a pretty short list.

1:50 The Voice said she tries to "think skinny" when someone tries to
pass through her aisle. No amount of positive thinking will get that
done. Ever.

1:53 Thanks to Hermione's Death Eater Babies story, I've done a little
research. The market for a movie about cannibal infants is wide open.
Somebody get Wes Craven on the phone! You know at some point during the
movie, there will have to be a scene where a hot, busty girl (wearing
some kind of very slutty shirt) enters the room with a friend, and the
friend is in league with the cannibal babies. Scary music will start
playing, and the girl with big boobs will be like "Why are those babies
staring at my boobs?" The friend will say in an ominous voice, "Oh,
they're just hungry." Cut to a close up of a grinning baby with evil
eyes. The hint of a fang presses on it's lower lip...

2:07 OK, I've had to redo the dating formula because it was severely
lacking in one major area: wealth. So here's the updated version: (Your
age/2 + 7 = youngest you can date) - wealth factor (subtract one year
for each $10 million in liquid assets)
I did not include any creepiness factor because there is absolutely no
accounting for the taste of women, especially when it comes to possibly
having an unlimited shopping fund.
Therefore, an 80-year-old man can date as low as 47, but if he has
$100 million in the bank, he can drop that number to 37. Billionaires
can clearly do whatever (in this case, whomever) they want. In the case
where, because of wealth, the number drops to 18 or below, the solution
is to simply date more than one girl at a time.
It would look like this: 40/2 + 7 = 27, but the guy has $1 billion,
which would drop 100 years. So 27-100 = 73. Then take 73/18 = 4.055. He
could date four 18-year-olds or 2.92 25-year-olds. No rounding up! See
Bruce Wayne for this rule in practice.
The only override rule is that the number can never drop below 18,
which would make it illegal. Unless you're in Thailand or something.

3:14 Potential names for our pig wrestling team: Swine Fellas. Babe
Hunters. Makin' Bacon. Einstein's Pig Army. The Daily Dirties. Aily-De
Istakes-Me (Pig Latin, get it? That one is courtesy of Slim).

4:12 Damn. Sorry, Pohan. Hang in there. I'm pulling for you.

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