9:07 People charged with actively hunting dangerous terrorists are less intense than Tweedledee and The Voice. They like to swoop through the office and act like selling ads is very serious business indeed. They coordinate on the fly! They can discuss the merits of full color like nobody else! The Voice can belittle Tweedledee in a single breath! I hope they start wearing matching suits and Ray Bans.
1:52 I'd rather be disemboweled that write this story. I hate fluff crap.
1:57 Death Cleavage would be an excellent band name. So would Euthanasia Boobs. I'm just sayin'...
4:04 I'm trying to image Slim's personal ad:
DDM (divorced dorky male), age 51, desperately seeks AKF (any kind of female), aged 18-112, for long-term relationship. I'm a career journalist (and funky renaissance man) who has only been fired once and is now wasting away at a small daily in NW Montana. I'm looking for a new job even harder than I'm looking for AKF! I would prefer you to be creepily younger and very, very hot. Also, I need someone interested in pig wrestling this Friday.
The hair I have left is a unique combination of blond/orange/gray, which is the same color as JK Simmons. Greatest character actor ever! He also played in the greatest superhero movie of all time: Spiderman 2. I have bluish eyes, and I'm very off-kilter (some people say that like it's a bad thing).
I enjoy a healthy diet of chocolate, chocolate chips, chocolate chip cookies, warm chocolate milk, chocolate candy bars, chocolate-covered chocolate, chocolate cake, chocolate ice cream, chocolate whoppers and potato chips (salt helps me absorb electrolytes and keeps my energy levels high!)
Back at my old paper, I was what you might call a gym rat. Between step aerobics and super bench presses, I'd make social connections with potential sources. Now that I'm in Montana, I'm the same way. I drive past the gym every day on my way to work in my trusty Suzuki.
In my spare time, I like to watch movies and television shows generally popular with teen girls. Every night, I grab some chocolate and huddle up in front of the tube with my last remaining cat (Kitty will never escape me!). You must love cats and cat hair! No allergic girls for me!
What I'm looking for: someone highly open to lowering her standards who enjoys long sits on the couch while listening to lengthy monologues about movie trivia. If you haven't seen Casablanca, please don't respond. (I take that back. We can watch it together and I'll explain every detail!) I don't believe in technology so I don't have a cell phone, and I can sometimes figure out e-mail. I'm very willing to travel or attempt an online relationship. Hey, it worked for my boss!
Please call. Please...